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(The FASEB Journal. 2005;19:1936-1937.)
© 2005 FASEB

Response to RFP: "Rigorous Test of Intelligent Design"

Bruce Cronstein

New York University School of Medicine, New York, New York, USA

Editor’s Note: Comforted that one out of five Americans believe in an "alternative" to Galileo’s heliocentric theory and that a good majority of Americans believe that intelligent design is a theory "complementary" to Darwin’s, officials at NCAAM have issued an RFP (Request for Proposal) for studies of intelligent design. Letters of Intent flooded in for the program, "Rigorous Test of Intelligent Design" (CAM//shaft AD 1632/1859). One example of such a Letter, written in NCCAM preferred style, has been submitted by Professor Bruce Cronstein of New York University School of Medicine.

Prayer and spirituality for the benefit of health are relied upon by many Americans. NCCAM seeks to develop strategies to bring the most rigorous and detailed scientific approaches to studying these and other CAM practices ......so that we can understand the health impact that these practices might have. (Stephen E. Straus, M.D., Director of the NIH National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (budget of $123,116,000 for FY 2005) http://nccam.nih.gov/news/newsletter/2005_winter/prayer.htm)

Biology is really, really complicated so the hypothesis that the world and all of the world’s creatures could not have evolved without a designing hand (Theory of Intelligent Design and Direction of Life by Yearners for Wise Insights into New Kinds of Science, TIDDLYWINKS) is now receiving increasing attention. TIDDLYWINKS was first proposed derisively by students in middle school biology classes as an explanation for the rarity of good grades despite relative quantitation of performance on periodic mass surveys of acquired biological information (grading on the curve).

One corollary to TIDDLYWINKS is that the development of disease-causing bacteria and viruses resistant to antibiotics must be the result of an overall plan and not random mutations in the genome of bacteria or viruses reproducing over countless generations in the presence of a noxious selective agent. Since it is clear that any plan must reflect some characteristics of its designer we propose three distinct but potentially overlapping hypotheses to explain the existence of new strains of antibiotic-resistant pathogens:

  1. The intelligent designer is using new, antibiotic-resistant microorganisms as a sorting mechanism.
  2. The intelligent designer has developed antibiotic-resistant pathogens out of an inchoate sense of ennui.
  3. The intelligent designer has been inappropriately influenced by the pharmaceutical industry.

To test these hypotheses we propose the following specific aims:

1. Determine the selection characteristics of individuals infected with antibiotic-resistant microorganisms

Although the majority of humans who suffer infections by resistant bacteria come from two groups, the very young and the elderly, not all members of those groups are affected, therefore an intelligent designer might have other criteria for infection. Prior studies suggest that those who violate societal codes are more likely targets for intelligent designers and prime movers, therefore humans infected by resistant bacteria will be tested for criminal records and their names sought on watch lists from the Homeland Security Department, Santa’s naughty-nice list, and Craig’s list. As a control, lists of the names of affected individuals will be tested against email lists used by mortgage brokers and online drugstores.

2. Study the capacity of organizing human behavior to develop new antibiotics to maintain the interest of an intelligent designer

We will determine whether the process of developing new antibiotics to treat resistant microorganisms is of sufficient interest to serve as a stimulus for the design of newly resistant bacteria and viruses. Thus, for one year, the daily activities will be filmed of an infectious diseases laboratory in: a) an academic institution, and b) a major pharmaceutical company. The films will then be reviewed in their entirety by the cast of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" and a control group consisting of members of the original cast of "Survivors." During the viewing period the following will be monitored in the study subjects: a) ocular gyration, b) REM sleep, and c) rhythmic contractions of the gastrocnemius-soleus muscle resulting in audible contact of the plantar forefoot with the floor. The subjects will also be asked to complete a standardized questionnaire and design a pathogen.

3. Determine whether the pharmaceutical industry has influenced the design of resistant organisms

Prime movers, deities, and other intelligent designers have often demanded sacrifices, tithes, and other forms of compensation for intervention in human affairs. The development of new, antibiotic-resistant pathogenic organisms has permitted the pharmaceutical industry to develop new generations of expensive and profitable antibiotics at an ever-increasing rate. These new pathogens offer a clear incentive for the pharmaceutical industry to influence bacterial design. To determine whether sacrifices or tithes have been paid to the intelligent designer the ledgers of pharmaceutical companies will be examined for designer payments and purchase of designer objects, such as designer genes. There may, of course, be undisclosed arrangements between industry and the designer. To exclude this possibility, the genomes and proteomes of resistant organisms will be analyzed for the names of pharmaceutical companies by means of an iterative software process originally designed to examine the product of typing primates for Shakespearean plagiarism. After plating on appropriate media, we will examine whether the outgrowth patterns of antibiotic-resistant bacteria bears any similarity to the logos of any pharmaceutical company. Cultures from the Shroud of Turin will be used as comparators.

Enclosures: Budget; Personnel and C-V’s; Human and Divine consent forms.



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Figure 1. Ernst Haeckel’s Taxonomy, the first evolutionary tree published in General Morphology of Organisms (1866).





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